D Day is upon me!!

Well, today is my last day of freedom......probably until I retire!!! My last summer with no work to do has come to an end and tomorrow I start my new life as a member of the Graduate Teacher Programme.  Am I looking forward to it?  Am I excited?  These are the types of questions I keep being asked.  The answer is no.  I am not looking forward to it.  I am scared stiff, feel completely unprepared and think I am way out of my depth.  I have no idea what is expected of me, what I will be doing, very little Key Stage 2 subject knowledge and the school is completely different to anywhere I've ever worked before.  In short, I am a nervous wreck!!!

I have 6 years experience of working in a school.  Some people coming onto the programme have none.  I really do not know how they must be feeling if I feel like this!  All my experience is in Foundation Stage - with little children - who I know and understand and which has a curriculum I am familiar with (although, like most things in education these days, this is being changed this September too).  Those 6 years of experience will count for nothing when, on Tuesday (tomorrow is an inset day where I have no idea what I'll be doing), I am faced with a large class of 9 and 10 year olds (albeit I have a teacher with me who will be doing most of the teaching at this stage - or at least that's what I've been led to believe!).

From now on, my workload will be huge.  At the induction day, some GTP's from this last academic year did a talk and warned us just how huge it will be.  I fully expect to have no life for the next 11 months (which will work out quite well given that the drop in salary has made any kind of social life null and void anyway).  My evenings and weekends will be taken up with planning and other such things that I can only imagine at the moment.  And then, in May, if I achieve my QTS then I will have to start looking for a job for next September.  Next September I will be an NQT (hopefully!) and I will be in the same boat all over again.  Nervous, petrified and jumping into the unknown.  Except then the entire responsibility for the class will be mine - from day one.

Phew, there is a lot to deal with from now on.  From tomorrow onwards, my holidays will not be for fun.  They will be for catching up on work and doing planning, reports and other such paperwork.  I will never be free again.  But hopefully, I will enjoy my job most of the time and will continue to feel the satisfaction and pride that I have felt for the past 6 years at seeing children flourish during their time with me.  With a bit of luck it will be worth it.  And in  a few years time, I will wonder what I was worried about on this day.  The day of reckoning.  The day before the madness starts.

Victoria
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Life is too short

I don't know whether it's because the summer holidays are nearly over (along with my freedom!!) or just because of the recent anniversary but I've been having a little think about my life lately and the way I live it.  As you know, I am in dire straits financially and really struggle to do anything fun in my life because of that (that and the fact that I'm a lonely old maid of course) but putting that aside (simply because other than winning the lottery there's very little I can do about these things at the moment), I decided to concentrate on things I can change.  I have a new job starting in just over a week - the thought of which terrifies me.  But I will feel the fear and do it anyway.  To run alongside the job, I have given myself this school year to lose the weight which is making me really unhappy.  I have also already begun a new fitness regime - more of that in a few weeks time.  These are a few things that I am in control of.

Another thing I am in control of is the people I choose to have around me.  Over the years, I have made many bad choices and stupid decisions and done things that could really hurt people.  Luckily I have managed to avoid doing so but it could easily have happened and that is a big regret.  However, there are quite a few people who have been in and around my life of the years who are far more guilty of that than I.  And some of those people remain on the periphery of my life still.  These are the people I have chosen to move on from.  After some serious consideration, I have come to the conclusion that if people don't care about me, don't treat me well, are not offering me anything positive and constantly remind me of the past in a negative way then I am better off without them in my life.

I have, as previously discussed, some wonderful friends and family who do care about me and support me - however many screw ups I have made over the years.  These are encouraging, supportive, generous, respectful, honest people who enrich my life and give me hope that I can indeed be the person they want me to be.  They praise my achievements, commiserate with my failures, offer a shoulder during loss and sadness and appreciate things about me that even I myself don't even know are there.  I am my own biggest critic and have always spent my life feeling like I'm not clever enough, thin enough, pretty enough, stylish enough, talented enough and nice enough.  I still feel these things and probably always will but my friends give me the encouragement that I need to deal with these feelings.  Whereas some people in my life do not.  They make me feel all those negative things about myself and there is no useful purpose for that.

Life is hard enough and I am hard enough on myself.  I have so many things that I worry about all the time.  I worry about whether I'm good enough and all the other things I listed above.  But I also worry about my finances constantly, worry whether I'm being a good parent (whilst hating the stigma against the label of single parent that I find myself carrying), worry about my mum who suffers from MS, worry about my dad who cares for her, worry about my sister in law who remains devastated at the loss of my brother, worry about the fact that my brother is no longer here and I miss him every minute of every day, worry about the future for myself and my son, worry about my health and that of my son in terms of my brother's possible genetic condition, worry about work and that I won't be able to cope with the workload, worry that I'll never meet anyone and will spend my life alone..........I worry about so many things.  There are other things that have happened in the past few years that are very private that I also think about constantly and even though I can't change them, they still upset me greatly.

Because I'm a worrier, I definitely do not need the additional stress of people in my life who bring me down and don't show me the respect I deserve.  I am trying to be a better person - it is my promise to my brother - and in doing that I feel like I deserve a fresh start.  The past can't be changed but the future can.  And I hope that by working hard and trying to achieve something I will make my family and friends proud.  I am trying to care less about what people think about me in general and just concentrate on making the people I love happy and proud of me.  Very recently, my best friend reminded me that, in the 12 months since my brother died, I have supported my parents, son and sister in law the best I could, passed my honours degree with a far higher mark than I expected, got on the Graduate Teacher Programme, am trying to sort out my finances and have started a new fitness plan.  All of this despite feeling the loss of my brother so very deeply.  She told me she was proud of me for all these things and until she said all that, I didn't even realise I'd actually done it all.  And I realised at that point that I was actually quite proud of myself - even if it only lasted for that moment.  The fact that she had noticed all these things and bothered to tell me she was proud meant so much and made me realise that the only people I care about pleasing are the people I love and that matter to me.

I may not be perfect (who is?) but I'm doing my best and life is too short to be around people who don't care enough about you.  So I think a spring clean of my life is in order.  Luckily most people I have in my life are wonderful and I thank you all.  Here's to what will hopefully be a productive and positive 12 months.  I owe it to everyone but especially my lovely brother to make what I can of my life and when I'm down and struggling, he sits on my shoulder and gives me the push I need to carry on.  I do much of what I do now for him - to make him proud and to live life as he lived it - to the full and making the most of each and every opportunity.  I owe him that.  And even though I will never stop worrying - I try to worry about things just that little bit less because of him.  And for that I'll always be grateful.

Victoria

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Women and Men - to groom or not to groom?

Isn't it amazing how something as simple as a haircut can change the way you feel.  For obvious reasons, I've been a bit fed up for the past few days but a visit to my friend, Kelly, for my six weekly haircut and colour has really brightened my mood today.  The picture above shows the end result and you can see from the smile on my face that I'm pleased with it.  Kelly helps of course.  She is not only a great hairdresser but a wonderful person who is kind, thoughtful and so easy to talk to.  So passing the morning away chatting to her whilst she did my hair was just what I needed.

I always think that women are lucky.  We can lighten our mood by getting our hair or nails done, having a facial or a massage or just soaking in a lovely warm bubble bath.  It doesn't seem that straightforward for men. Although there is a much larger market now for male grooming, it is still somewhat of a taboo subject amongst many guys and certainly not something most of them would do to relax and wind down or to cheer themselves up.  Personally, if I could afford it, I would spend many happy hours in the salon getting treatments as I love the way it makes me feel, both during and afterwards.

Saying that, I do think being a man must be so much easier.  For a start, they don't have to spend lots of money on make up and beauty products.  They don't have to waste precious time each morning doing their hair and putting on their 'face'.  And they certainly don't have to worry about shaving their legs!!!  Bliss!!!  But all that aside, I'm still happy to be a girl.  I love experimenting with a new hair colour, a new shade of lip gloss or even a new beauty treatment.  I enjoy the trappings that come with femininity.  And I definitely enjoy sitting in my friend's lovely home, watching her beautiful children and her crazy dog whilst she cuts my hair like I did this morning.  Thanks Kelly.  I'll see you in six weeks for another dose of smiles and kindness.  I'll be looking forward to it.

Victoria

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London 2012 - Thank you and Goodnight

Well, that's it.  The final day of London 2012.  The closing ceremony is due to take place shortly and I couldn't be sadder.  Everyone knows how much I and the majority of the nation have got behind the Games, supporting, laughing with, crying with and cheering on Team GB every step of the way in so many events from the usual athletics and swimming to events in their infancy such as BMX and female boxing.  Every single athlete giving of their best and relishing in this - the culmination of years of effort, sacrifice, blood, sweat and tears.  Whether they have won a medal or not, whether they are from Great Britain or Mongolia, we should salute every single one of them for the excitement and pleasure they have given us over the past two weeks.  Great Britain has, for once, been united and so has the rest of the world, proving that, if we really make the effort, we can work together to achieve something really special.

The London 2012 Games could not have come at a better time for me.  From 3rd to 15th August last year, myself and my family went through something that no family ever should have to go through.  I cannot share the details of those dark days with you but I will say that that period, culminating in the death of my beloved and only brother on 15th August, were the worst days of my life.  The days that followed continued to be devastating and, indeed, the entire year has been so very difficult for all of us.  It remains so to this day.  We have tried, however, to keep my brother's memory alive in the best way we can and try and live our lives in the best way possible and in a way which honours him and that he would be proud of.  For me personally, this has included making the extra effort to complete my honours degree, to gain a place on the Graduate Teacher Programme, to look after and unconditionally support my parents and my sister in law and to try to be the best mother I can be to my son.

But, inevitably, on 3rd August and on each day since, it has been difficult not to think about last summer and the events that took place.  This is where London 2012 has been my saviour.  I never expected to find comfort in a sporting event.  As I've said before, I'm not sporty (although I wish I was) and I don't follow any sports really other than gymnastics and ice skating and, at previous Olympics, I have shown only minimal interest.  But this time, because of the added excitement of the Games taking place in my own country and because it was the first summer I had been on holiday long enough to watch it, I decided I would take an interest and watch the opening ceremony.  I sat there that night on 27th July and watched in wonder as marvellous scenes unfolded in front of my on my TV screen.  After that I decided that I would watch a few events and after that I was hooked.  I have watched most of the coverage on BBC1 (who, may I say, have completely redeemed themselves after their under-par coverage of the Diamond Jubilee) and many events on the red button service.  I have shouted at the screen for our athletes to run, swim or cycle faster, cried along with the medallists as they looked up at their flags with such pride and learned so much about sports I'd never even seen before.  And thank god I did.  Because of the passion I've felt for watching the Games and supporting our team, the pain of last year's memories has been made more manageable.  It hasn't gone away or been diminished in any way but seeing people achieve their dreams, not by marrying a footballer or going on Big Brother, but by working hard, showing strength of character and being disciplined and single minded, has made me remember that there is some good in the world and that people can come through adversity and difficult times to achieve wonderful things.  My brother would have absolutely loved these Games and I feel like he would have wanted me to love it just as much.  And I have.  I really have.  And it has helped me more than I can ever say.  It has been a positive distraction just when I needed one the most.  And I know my parents have felt the same way.  We are all sad to see it end and we know that we have difficult times still to come particularly in the week ahead.  However, London 2012 has brought some joy and light into our lives during a difficult time and we will be forever in its debt.

For me personally my highlights of the Games include the fact that women were included in the team of every country for the very first time, the inclusion of women's boxing with a good Yorkshire lass winning the first ever gold medal in the sport, Andy Murray gaining redemption for his Wimbledon defeat at the hands of Federer, Team GB smashing its Beijing medal haul, seeing the first paralympic athlete compete in the regular Games, watching Mo Farah, Jessica Ennis and the legend that is Usain Bolt provide us with such thrilling victories in the stadium and many many more. I will forever be sad that I couldn't be there in person to celebrate the thrill of the Games in person but I have witnessed these and many other great moments in the past two weeks from the comfort of my sofa.

So to sum up, I want to say thank you to everyone involved in this amazing spectacle - from the athletes, the volunteers, the commentators, the pundits and the public who have got behind the whole thing and showed why we are called Great Britain.  Thank you for providing the most wonderful of distractions and for making me proud to be British.

London 2012 - thank you and goodnight

Vicki

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Friends and family - the single parent's saviours

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a loving family around them which is so important, particularly if you're a single parent.  Thankfully I'm not one of them.  My parents have been supportive and loving throughout my journey as a single parent which has been a long and, at times, difficult one.  They've assisted me financially, helped with practical things like DIY and gardening and always had an open door where we can go for a home cooked meal or a hot shower (mine hasn't worked for about 2 years and I can't afford to get it fixed so it's a bath or a trip to the parents' house for me).  I'm sure my parents weren't thrilled when I got pregnant at 21 and certainly when I ended up going it alone but they've been there for me and my son and they adore him.  He is their only grandchild and they have always been amazing with him and continue to be to this day.

The rest of my family are great too.  Sadly, all my grandparents have passed away but my grandma (who passed away in 2010) was fantastic to me and my son and did as much as she could for us.  The rest of them unfortunately never knew him but I know they would have been equally supportive.  As I've previously explained, my only sibling - my beloved brother - unexpectedly passed away almost a year ago.  He and his wife, although they lived in London, were extremely close to both myself and my son and offered us both friendship, laughter, joy and unconditional love.  We continue to remain close to my sister in law and she and I have often taken comfort and strength from each other over the last year.  My brother, together with my father, were my son's male role models throughout his life following the departure of his own father from his life when he was 4 years old.  My son misses his uncle greatly and feels the loss of that young male figure intently even though my father continues to remain a constant presence in his life.

I also have wonderful aunts and cousins, who together with their families, offer love, advice and kindness whenever it is needed.  Because of all these lovely people in my life, I consider myself a very lucky girl.  But sometimes things happen in your life that you just can't talk about to your family.

That's when you need your friends.  It doesn't matter whether you've got one friend or one hundred as long as you know you've got someone that you can call up and moan to, who you can share your deepest darkest secrets with without fear of judgement and whose sofa you could crash on if you were in a tricky situation.  I am lucky enough to have lots of friends but there are probably around five who I could do all those things with.  My best friend, in particular, is simply irreplaceable in my life.  She listens, offers advice, knows everything about me, calls me an idiot when I need it, treats me when I'm skint (which, as you know, is all the time), supports me through difficult times (she was amazing during the worst two weeks of my life last year even though she was away on holiday and she continues to be to this day) and is just generally fabulous.  I feel privileged to know her and my other friends and know that, as a single parent in particular, I couldn't survive without them.  They've always appreciated the fact that my son is around, the fact that, when he was younger, I couldn't just drop everything and go out, the fact that I never had much money and just generally the fact that I was a mother when most of them weren't.  

There are things that you can't talk about to your parents and family whether you're a single parent or not.  There are things they wouldn't understand, wouldn't appreciate, wouldn't like or sometimes wouldn't believe!! These are the times when a friend, particularly ones of a similar age to you, rises to the occasion.  It's because of the way my friends have been with me that I really try to be as good a friend as I can to them.  Ok, I can't buy them lots of things and go out with them as much as I'd like to but I can be there for them, listen, give them advice if they ask for it, give them a hug and a kind word when they need it and support them as much as they support me.

I may not have any money and a serious lack of social life, I may be overweight, unfit and unhappy with my appearance, I may be eternally single and hate it (even though all my friends are in relationships or married).  I may be all those things but at least I'm lucky enough to have my health, a roof over my head, a wonderful son, a loving family and amazing, fantastic friends.  And I would like to say thank you to them all - whether they be the ones I see regularly and can count on for anything - or the ones I only see occasionally but who it feels like we saw each other last week, or the ones that I haven't seen for ages but chat to on Facebook or Twitter, offering comments and kind words on statuses or tweets.  Thank you all for being in my life.  I'm grateful to know you all.

Vicki

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New job, new me

As a kid I was always skinny.  In fact people used to ask my mum if I was ill because I always looked so thin and pale.  I'm still pale but unfortunately I'm no longer thin.  When I got pregnant at the age of 21, my thin days were behind me after putting four stones on during the nine months.  Over the years that followed, my weight fluctuated in a ridiculous fashion, at my heaviest weighing in at 13 stone 8.  Enough was enough and I joined Slimming World with my mum and over almost two years I lost over four stone, ending up at 9 stone 3.  I felt fantastic, despite everyone telling me I was too thin for my height (this wasn't true actually - I was at the bottom end of my acceptable weight for my height of 5' 8" but not under it).  Unfortunately however fantastic I felt, that weight was so difficult to maintain and gradually the pounds crept back on.  These days I'm not at my heaviest but I'm far above the weight I want to be and would love to lose two and a half stone.  In fact I wouldn't just love to.  I need to.  I feel horrible.  I'm tired and sluggish and hate the way I look.  I can't buy the clothes I like and I'm self conscious and miserable with my appearance.

Unfortunately, I can't rejoin Slimming World even though I know this works for me if I stick to it.  As I've said before I'm taking a dramatic cut in income in September when I begin my GTP and I'm already in financial dire straits!!  So paying for SW every week is not an option.  So I have two choices.  I either try and do the Slimming World diet by myself or try something new.  Today I watched the first episode of the Hairy Bikers new series in which they are trying to lose weight for health reasons and are cooking the food they like in a new way.  Feeling inspired by these guys who love food as much as I do, I have today ordered the recipe book and we will see what it brings when it arrives.  Also I'm planning on starting a new exercise regime to go with it so with a bit of luck, if I stick to it and try and display some of the willpower which has been missing for so long, maybe I'll get to my goal weight.

I have a new start in September with my new career and hopefully there'll be a new figure to go with it. I have a few more weeks of my summer holidays to enjoy and to eat and drink as I want.  And then that's it.  Done.  If the London 2012 games have taught me anything, it's that you can do things if you put your mind to it and if I can stay away from the garlic bread, wine and chocolate then who knows? Perhaps this time next year, I'll be a teacher who looks and feels fantastic.

Victoria

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Proud to be British

Almost this time last year, Britain was in chaos.  The riots that horrified the nation and threatened to turn us into the scourge of Europe were about to take place.  Young disillusioned kids who wanted things they couldn't have decided to take matters into their own hands and show the authorities exactly what they thought about this country.  It was a terrifying time and a time when I, for one, was ashamed to be British.

A year later and how the tables have turned.  With all the negativity surrounding the build up to the Olympic Games with so many people criticising and accusing the country of spending too much money and making a mess of the whole thing, it would have been easy to believe that we were going to be the laughing stock of the world.  But against all odds, we've done it.  We pulled it off.  An incredibly innovative and moving opening ceremony followed by a stream of inspiring and unbelievable performances by Team GB.

These athletes represent all that is good about our nation.  They display discipline, focus, a ridiculously strong work ethic, sportsmanship and determination.  Everything that last year's rioters were lacking.  If our young people are looking for a role model, someone to aspire to be like then they could do worse than someone like Jessica Ennis, Rebecca Adlington, Mo Farah or any of Team GB because win or lose they have shown what it means to be British.  There are so many 'celebrities' out there who are famous simply for being famous, for taking part in Big Brother or sleeping with a footballer and unfortunately many of our younger generation think that as long as you're famous it doesn't matter how you get there.  The Team GB athletes have shown that fame isn't what you need to be a role model.  You need to have that drive to be the best you can be.  It doesn't matter if you are the best in the world as long as you are the best version of you that you can be.

If there was ever a time to be proud to be British, this is it.  We may have financial problems, we may have high unemployment and lots of things seem to go wrong around here.  But right here, right now, there isn't anywhere that most of us would rather be.  Just in the time I've been sitting at my computer tonight, Team GB have won three track and field gold medals.  Three.  In one night.  We are third in the medal table.  A tiny nation like ours up there with giants of the world like the USA and China.  And that is because our tiny nation has spirit.  And grit.  And the will to achieve something great.

Think back to this time last year once again.  People attempting to achieve change with violence and destruction.  And now we have people attempting to achieve change in a different way.  A positive way.  Proving that if you want something badly enough, you need to work as hard as you possibly can in order to get it.  And one day it may just happen.  Whether it's an Olympic medal or a good job or an iPad or in my case an Honours Degree, if you put your mind to it and believe then you never know.

Thank you Team GB for making us proud to be British and keep those medals coming in.

Victoria

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Victoria Clever Clogs

Sorry I've been a bit quiet for the last few days.  I've been in shock.  And for once in my life, it's for a good reason.  I received my results for my final Open University module on Tuesday (I received a Grade 2 pass which I was pleased with) but more importantly, during the afternoon I received confirmation that I have been awarded my BA (Hons) Open Degree with a 2:1 classification!!!! Honestly, I am gobsmacked!!!  I began my OU journey in 2008 and never could have imagined that I would gain a 2:1.  With all the stuff I've had to contend with throughout the last few years, I could only hope that I had achieved the 2:2 I needed to proceed on the Graduate Teacher Programme in September.  And I would have been thrilled with that.  But I surpassed my own expectations and probably those of most of the people I know and finally, at the age of 37, I have letters after my name and in October will be attending my graduation ceremony in Manchester with pride. Hopefully I have done something which will make my family proud too.

Watching the London 2012 games, I have the utmost respect and admiration for the athletes who sacrifice so much and give every bit of themselves to achieve something remarkable.  I only wish I had a tiny bit of their determination, drive and focus and that I had an amazing talent for something.  But gaining this degree against all odds in less than four years, although a drop in the ocean to many, is a gold medal moment for me.  It has proved to me that perhaps I can achieve things if I set my mind to it and who knows what is to come in the future.  I won't even win an Olympic medal but maybe, just maybe, things will start to look up for me from now on.  Keep your fingers crossed for me please :)

Victoria

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London 2012 - Loving it

As anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm not a very sporty person. I never have been.  I hated PE at school and would do anything to get out of doing the cross country running!! I always went to dancing class throughout my childhood and teenage years and that was enough for me.  As I've got older, I still love to dance and enjoy going to the gym (or I used to when I could afford it!!) and swimming but I'm still not a sporty kind of a girl.

However, I do enjoy watching certain sports.  Not your usual football or rugby (which I really just can't get into) but things like tennis, swimming, athletics, ice skating and in particular gymnastics.  I became a fan of this at a very young age and it's something I wish I'd pursued as a kid.  I read books about all the famous gymnasts of yesteryear such as Olga Korbut and Nadia Comaneci and learned the names of the moves and the scoring systems etc.  As an adult, I still love to watch and have had some very enjoyable times watching superb gymnasts over the years.  My ultimate favourites had to be the 'dream team' from the USA who performed at the Olympics in Atlanta in 1996.  They, to me, epitomised the sport and to this day remain a benchmark to which all other gymnasts should aim to reach.  Indeed, I can remember videoing (yes videoing) their performances, particularly the gala, and watching them over and over again.

When it was announced that London would be hosting the 2012 games, I was excited to think that I may get tickets to be able to watch the gymnastics but it was not to be.  However, I refuse to let that dampen my Olympic and gymnastic loving spirit.  I watched the wonderful opening ceremony with joy and pride in our nation and was entranced at everything that unfolded on my screen in glorious HD.  And I have spent most of today and yesterday ensconsed on my sofa taking pleasure in the athleticism, grace and flexibility that has been displayed by the male and female gymnasts during qualifying.

The Olympics gives us the opportunity to watch sports that we would never usually entertain and in between the gymnastics I have seen some archery, beach volleyball, boxing, badminton and rowing, to name but a few.  Fascinating.

Of course I'm 100% behind Team GB and think we could do really well in these games but regardless of that, I am looking forward to enjoying a couple of weeks of fantastic competition by inspiring and dedicated athletes in all sports.  And after that, I will return to my non-sport loving, usual self.  Until the winter when the ice skating returns that is :)

Enjoy the games and be proud of your country and your team.  Whoever they may be.  Good luck everyone.  Let the games begin!!!

Vicki

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The loneliness of a long term single mum (even worse than being a long distance runner believe me)

I have been a single mum since my son was born 15 years ago.  I have had the occasional relationship (as previously discussed - disaster.com) since but I have always considered myself a single parent.  My son has not seen his father since he was just turned 4 and thus he has always only had me.  Of course, his maternal grandparents play a huge role in his life as do other family members but ultimately, at the end of the day, it's always just been me and him.  Which was fine when he was little.  He needed me then.  But now he's 15.  Ok, he still needs me for practical things like cooking his tea, doing his washing, cleaning the house and driving him to places.  He needs me to remind him to have a bath or brush his teeth, get him up for school or tidy his room.  He even needs me to talk to about things and he needs me for a hug now and then (moments which I cherish and feel lucky to have). But on a day to day basis, he needs me very little.  He spends the majority of his time in his room, playing X Box or being on his laptop, chatting and laughing to friends through his headphones.  In fact, I see little of him in the evenings, at weekends and in the holidays.  Only when its time for a meal does he surface and then after he's eaten generally he's back up to the room.  I don't blame him for this.  He's a teenager.  He does what most teenagers do and to be honest I'd rather him be like he is than hanging around on the streets doing god knows what till all hours.  At least I know he's safe and happy. It's me that's the problem not him.  Take today for example.  The first nice sunny day we've had in Yorkshire in what seems like an age and what have I done? I've messed around on the computer, watched TV, done a huge pile of ironing, played some games on my iPhone and generally mooched around the house not having a clue what to do with myself.  And now here I am.  Writing about it on my blog.

The problem is two fold.  The first part being that I have no spare money whatsoever to do anything fun or exciting.  And the second being that I have no one to do anything with.  Even something free like going for a walk or sitting in the garden.  This problem is something that's been an issue for some time now.  My son isn't interested in going out for the day like we used to regularly when he was younger.  He doesn't want to pass time in museums or walking in the park or going for a picnic.  But I do.  I would love to do those things.  But you can't really do them on a regular basis on your own.  Ok, sometimes I go to a museum or a gallery by myself.  I've been known to visit the cinema or theatre alone if there's something on I really want to see.  I go shopping alone (usually not to buy anything due to the no money thing!).  But after a while it becomes draining and you feel lonely and sad when you see people all around you chatting and laughing.  Couples, families, friends.  It's really hard.  I have friends, don't get me wrong.  But as I've said before, they all have partners and some have young kids and although they do their best to see me, they have their own lives and their own memories to create.  My parents are great to me and take me places and do stuff with me if I want to.  But at the end of the day I'm 37 years old and I should be doing things with my own family.  That family that I always wanted.  Me and my son and a lovely partner and maybe some more kids.  That's what I've dreamed about for so long.  But to this day it eludes me. I really don't know why.  Ok, I have low self esteem (I'm overweight and hate everything about the way I look), I'm shy with people I don't know and have always always felt that I'm not good enough.  I'm a jack of all traders, master of none. Ok at several things but not great at anything.  And I've always wanted to be. Maybe this is sub consciously emitting from my pores or something straight into the make up of every man I meet.  When I was younger, I was never short of attention.  I was slim and confident.  But as the years have gone by, things have gone seriously downhill.

I'm so conscious of the fact that I'm wasting my life.  I very rarely have any fun and there's so much I want to see and do with my life.  Obviously money is a huge problem.  There's not much you can do without it.  But the being alone thing is the biggest issue.  My only sibling, my beloved brother, passed away almost a year ago aged only 33.  He was the most wonderful person you could ever hope to meet.  He was kind, generous, funny, laid back, happy, brave and loving.  All the things I'm not.  He never got uptight or stressed, he never judged anyone, he made the most of every opportunity and saw and did more in his 33 years than I could ever hope to do.  Once again, everything I'm not.  But would love to be.  After he died, I told myself I would try and be more like him.  Make the most of opportunities, do more with my life.  But I haven't.  Because I don't know how.  And unlike him - who had a wife who loved him more than anything and supported him through the journey of life, seizing the day alongside him - I'm alone.  I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I'm just stating facts.  It's hard being a single parent of a teenager.  It's hard having no money to do anything or go anywhere.  And it's hard being alone.  I know there's so many people in the world who are worse off than me and there's probably loads of people reading this thinking 'she doesn't have a clue what struggling is' but this is my life and I'm struggling in it.  Lots of bad things have happened to me over the past 4 or 5 years - some of which are too personal to go into, that even my family don't know about - things that have changed my life forever and made me into the person I've become.  One I don't like very much.  And one that I'd like to change.  Maybe one day, I'll get past some of the bad stuff and walk out a different person. But until then, if anyone fancies a walk through the park or a picnic in the sunshine, please let me know.  Because it would be a shame if I have to spend any more sunny days sitting at the computer.  It really would.

Vicki

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Blacker Hall Farm Shop - The Jewel of Wakefield

This morning I have spent time in one of the little gems that Wakefield has to offer, Blacker Hall Farm Shop.  I love this place.  It brings a touch of class to a town that is sometimes lacking in that area and never fails to disappoint.  On this particular visit, my parents and I decided to try out the Blacker Hall Cream Tea in the cafe/restaurant known as The Barn, which at £3.50 sounded like a bit of a bargain.  And once again, they didn't let me down.  Three beautifully presented plates of fruit scone, individual pot of strawberry jam, pile of juicy, fresh strawberries and a huge scoop of luxurious clotted cream arrived on our table together with a tea, a coffee and a decaff coffee (mine - I only drink decaff - migraines!!) and we tucked in with gusto!!  Needless to say, mine didn't last long even though I attempted to savour every delicious mouthful.  £3.50 was definitely a perfectly reasonable price to pay for this wonderful treat.  Each time I visit the Barn, I am always delighted with the service, the quality of the food and the atmosphere which is relaxed and calm.  In fact, if I go for lunch with friends, we often spend a few hours just sitting, chatting, eating and drinking and generally having a great time.  Highly recommended

As for the farm shop, where do I start? The shop has recently been extended which is a huge improvement because, as the shop is so brilliant, it always gets busy and this extra space makes the world of difference.  As usual, I was spoilt for choice as everything looks fresh and delectable - from the butchery (where the butchers are always willing and happy to help you with your choices and offer cooking advice with a friendly smile) to the deli counter, filled with wonderful cheeses, amazing quiches, salads and my son's favourite, the famous Blacker Hall sausage roll - and everything in between.  There are several new lines since my last visit and I purchased, among other things, a yummy looking 'made in Yorkshire' pizza that I can't wait to try.  I really love the fact that the shop champions local produce, making much of what they sell themselves with the majority of the rest being sourced from local farmers, growers and small companies, making them all the more special. 

Please visit this wonderful shop and show your support to Edward, Cheryl and the rest of the Garthwaite family who, along with their employees, do an fantastic job of showing just what treasures Yorkshire has to offer.  And they do it with class and style, welcoming their customers with open arms into what must be fast becoming the best farm shop in the North of England.

Vicki

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Sooty aka Mrs Jekyll and Miss Hyde

As a child I never had a pet.  Not one.  My parents just wouldn't let me.  They used to say 'when you've got your own house you can get one then' like most parents who don't want a pet around do.  It took me until the age of 35 to finally succumb and then it was a matter of deciding what to get.  My son wanted a dog but the thought of walking it in the pouring rain, freezing cold and dark wintery nights was too much for me and so we compromised on a cat.  I decided not to get a kitten as I didn't have the time to invest in toilet training it etc and so we went for a 10 month old rescue cat called Sooty.  We picked her out in a kind of rogues gallery on the Leeds Cat Rescue website one Monday night in January 2010.  That same night we emailed the centre and got a reply back almost instantly.  Apparently black cats are hard to rehome (superstitions I assume) and they offered us a visit to Sooty in her 'foster home' in Leeds.  Awwww.  Anyway, we went to see her, loved her straight away, paid our adoption fee which covered all the necessary stuff like spaying, micro chipping, injections, vets check up, flea and worm treatment and the like and by the Friday of the same week she was delivered to our home.  The new member of the Wilkinson clan had arrived.

For the first couple of weeks she was an angel.  We had been warned that she may be nervous as she had lived on the streets most of her life and had more than likely been mistreated but she seemed fine at first.  Then, several weeks in, she changed.  She became a living nightmare.  She attacked us at every turn, scratched, bit, anything she could do.  During one dark moment I even considered sending her back. But I knew I wouldn't do that with a child that had come from a troubled background so I wasn't going to do it to her.  We persevered with her - showing affection, giving her treats, playing with her.  Eventually she began to mellow and slowly we began to gain her trust.  The longer we had her the more I loved her and it felt like she'd always been there.

These days, Sooty is still unpredictable.  She can lash out occasionally, she tries to grab our ankles if we dare to leave to go to bed and she sometimes takes a dislike to my dad when he visits. But she also sits on my lap, loves to be stroked and tickled, enjoys playing with her many toys and lays across my body as I sit on the sofa watching TV.  She even kisses me on occasion.  She loves to be where we are much of the time even if she's just laid on the rug whilst we watch TV but she also enjoys peace and quiet upstairs when the urge takes her.  I'm so glad that I persevered with Sooty because she's been a fantastic addition to our little unconventional family and we love her dearly.  Recently I took the photographs above of Sooty as she played on the rug.  As she lay on her back I noticed the little white patch on her stomach appeared to be in the shape of a love heart.  Sweet.  And significant.  Because Sooty has found her forever home with  us and despite her foibles, we will always love and care for her.  And the fact she has a personality just endears her to us even more (remind me I said that when she's grabbing my legs at bedtime tonight)

Vicki

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Competitions

I've recently started entering competitions on Twitter and Facebook and am really enjoying the ease with which you can win things.  Most of the Twitter comps just require you to follow and RT (which is pretty easy you have to admit) and the FB ones are generally just liking the page.  In fact, since beginning this little sideline around two weeks ago, I've won £10 credit on the Red Spotted Hanky train ticket website, a necklace, a meal for two in a restaurant in Berlin (not quite worked out how I will claim this yet!!!) and just today I have won an item of clothing from an online retailer and a dress for both me and my best friend in a Twitter comp.  This one was slightly different as you had to say why your BFF deserved the prize and they chose my answer as the winner.  Well my BFF is the best so that's why.  I told them how supportive she had been since the tragic death of my younger brother last August and how she treats me so often because of my abject poverty and it was about time I did something for her.  All this is true by the way.  She is amazing and I only wish I could do something more to show her how special she is. But I suppose winning a dress for her is a little bit of something nice.

Anyway, I intend to continue with my competition ventures and I will keep you posted as to anything else I win.  Fingers crossed for me please.

Victoria

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Long terms single - it sucks :(

I've always done things the hard way or the wrong way.  My parents and my family have always thought it and I totally agree.  One of the things I did the hard way was education and work. I was bright at school but left sixth form after three weeks due to bad subject choices for my A Levels, ending up at college doing a business admin course that I had no interest in.  This led to years upon years of working in endless mundane secretarial jobs, all of which I hated, but felt there was no escape from.  It was only when I reached 30 in 2005 that I realised it was now or never. I had to get out.  So I had a think what I may want to do and came up with working with children (I'd always been good with them.  In fact I had one of my own.  More of that later).  I sent my CV and a very well put together begging letter out to lots of nurseries and schools and finally St Hilda's School (a private school near my home) took pity on me.  I interviewed for a position in their 0-3 unit and, despite being told at the interview that I was going up against people with qualifications and experience (of which I had none in this field), I got the job.  After a year or so (and after studying for my NVQ Levels 2 and 3 whilst I worked), I moved into the school as a teaching assistant and got the bug.  I decided then and there that I wanted more and that I was going to be a teacher one day.  The only problem was that I do things the hard way don't I.  And therefore I didn't have a degree did I.  So to rectify that I applied to the Open University in 2008 and began the arduous task of completing an honours degree whilst working full time. It's been frustrating, time consuming, mentally exhausting and exciting all at the same time. During this period, I moved to another school in the same foundation in 2010, Sunny Hill House, and in May 2012, I submitted the final assignment for my BA (Hons) Open Degree.  As I write, I am nervously awaiting the results for this last module and my overall classification and I am hoping I do ok.  I am hoping this because, against all odds, I have managed to gain a place on the Graduate Teacher Programme commencing in September 2012.  I'm moving on again. So after two NVQ's and a degree, I am finally on my way to becoming a teacher.  It's been a long, difficult road to get to this point and the next path I take on the GTP will be even tougher.  I could have done my A Levels and done a teaching degree like most other sensible people but as I said, I do things the hard way.

Another area of my life that I manage to screw up at every turn is my love life.  I had my first proper boyfriend at 16 and then when I was 17 I met the father of my son.  He was 11 years older than me and my parents didn't approve.  In fact no one did.  Except me.  And him.  Anyway, I won't go into details but after almost 5 years I discovered I was pregnant at the age of 21.  Here's the hard way coming out again!  Things didn't work out between me and Mr 11 Years Older after that and myself and my son haven't seen him for over 11 years.  During those years, I had one other serious boyfriend who we lived with for several months but that didn't work out either and since then, I've been pretty much single.  And it sucks.  All my friends are either married or in relationships and most of them tell me I'm onto a good thing being single.  But people in relationships always say that because they envy the freedom.  The freedom would be all well and good if I had a great job with plenty of money but as yet I'm a struggling pauper who is desperate to make ends meet.  Thus meaning I can't do much with the freedom I have.  And freedom is great but it doesn't help you pay bills, wash up for you when you're tired after a long day, treat you to a nice meal out, cuddle up to you on the sofa or share the trials and tribulations of raising a child.  Don't get me wrong, my son is the best thing that's ever ever happened to me and I couldn't be prouder of him.  He's a wonderful boy and always has been.  He's kind, loving, intelligent and a good person.  And we've never missed that father figure being around due to his close relationships with both my dad and my late brother. But it must be nice to have someone to share parenting decisions with and not have to have all the responsibility of another person's future in your single hands.  Once again, I did things the hard way.  I had a baby very young and with the wrong person and it's been difficult.  But my son is just about the only thing in my life that I'm proud of and that I feel I've done well at so I wouldn't change things.  I just wish that I'd met someone, got married and had another child and this time done it the right way.  That's my only regret.  Because I'm 37 now and that's probably not going to happen.  And that makes me sad.

So maybe one day, I'll tell you about the other stuff I did the hard way.  Maybe not.  But hopefully this time next year, at the grand old age of 38 I'll be a fully qualified teacher.  And who knows, maybe one day the right man will come along.  My friends and family constantly tell me 'it'll happen' but I really am sick of waiting.  Mr Right, if you're out there, can you hurry up please.  I've paid my dues in the singles club and I really need my happy ending.  And after doing things the hard way for so long, I think I deserve it

Vicki

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The Hepworth Gallery, Wakefield

Today, I made my third trip in less than a year to The Hepworth Gallery in my home town of Wakefield.  Let me start by saying that I think it's fantastic to have something like this in Wakefield which is a place that really needs regeneration and modernisation. Although the building isn't hugely attractive from the outside, it does house some very interesting pieces and is a lovely way to spend a spare hour or two.  However, I was saddened to note, on this particular visit, that despite the free entry to the museum, parking has gone up to a flat fee of £4.50.  Granted you get five hours for this price but no one would ever spend that long at The Hepworth as you can easily get round it in an hour.  Thus, I think there should be options for one hour, two, three etc in order that you only pay for what you are using. Unfortunately for me, I had just put in my pin number to the machine (it takes cards now you know!) when a lovely lady came up to me saying she had almost four hours left on her ticket and did I want it (she obviously didn't need the ridiculous five hours in the gallery either!).  Sadly it was too late as my payment was going through but I thought that was a very kind gesture and she did manage to give it away to the next person who came along.  Once I had got over my trauma about the parking and finally got inside, I was not disappointed.  I enjoy wandering alone through the galleries and even though I know very little about art and sculpture, I know what I like and some of the pieces are beautiful.  It is also fascinating to learn more about the gallery's Wakefield born namesake, Barbara Hepworth whose life is told through various objects belonging to her and pieces of work in various stages of development.

Some of the galleries within The Hepworth remain constant whilst others change every few months or so.  This time, there was a very interesting collection of photographs and other work by artist Richard Long which I particularly enjoyed (this exhibition is in The Hepworth from 23rd June to 14th October).  I was also intrigued by the film that was being shown in the gallery made by 2012 Turner Prize nominee, Luke Fowler.  I cannot profess to have completely understood the concept but I can confirm that I was the only person who remained to watch the entire 1 hour film at its 11.10am showing.  I won't give too much away but I will say that if you are interested in the social history of West Yorkshire then you may find the film interesting.

I was really pleased to see a school party looking round the gallery today with a large group of children of around 9 or 10 years old all taking an interest in their surroundings and listening carefully to their guide.  Their teachers must have been really proud.

After you have finished taking in the art, The Hepworth has a lovely little shop and a restaurant which sells lovely coffee that I would highly recommend.  All in all, if you are looking for something to fill an hour or two of your day then you can't go far wrong with this little piece of culture which may seem out of sorts in a city filled with pound shops but has certainly earned its place in what is hopefully the start of a cultural revolution in the city of Wakefield.

You Tube

I have my own You Tube channel under the name 'missviccazwilk'.  There are a various videos on there that I have posted over the last year or so of myself messing around at home singing some of my favourite songs. Some have come out ok, others not so much, but they are all there for your viewing pleasure ;)

494 views later, I have no clue what most people think but hopefully a few people might like the odd one.  It is my intention to try and put a few more on there over the summer so I'll let you know as soon as I do.

Please have a look and don't be afraid to let me know what you think.  Unless you think they're all rubbish and then please keep your probably correct and very valid opinion to yourself in order to avoid bruising my fragile ego.

Thank you.

Victoria

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www.youtube.com/missviccazwilk

37 year old babysitter!!

Unfortunately, being a single parent and having a relatively low paid job as a teaching assistant for the past 6 years has meant that I have struggled for money for as long as I can remember.  Things are going from bad to worse in September when I begin the Graduate Teacher Programme as my already meagre salary is reduced by the unfortunate sum of at least £3,000 a year.  How will you manage you may ask.  The honest answer is I have no idea!

Therefore, I have taken several babysitting jobs over the past year in a vain attempt to gain some extra cash.  I have a few lovely people who take pity on me every few months and put the odd babysitting job my way.  Sadly, there is something quite sad about being a 37 year old babysitter but needs must I'm afraid.  And the kids and the parents I work for are lovely and generous, appreciating the fact that I can't work for the same as a 15 year old would.  Incidentally, when I was 15 I babysat every Friday for the grand total of £5.00 per night - I thought I was loaded!  I will not disclose my fee these days though in order to protect the privacy of my wonderful clientele.  Lets just say it's a bit more than my 15 year old self brought home each Friday.

However, the money I earn from this extra curricular activity isn't spent on shoes, handbags and bottles of Castaway like the £5.00 of old was.  This money gets put away for less interesting but sadly more necessary things such as car tax and supermarket shopping.  That's what happens when you're 37 and poor.

This poverty thing may not last forever.  Perhaps when I'm in my 40's and established as a teacher, I will, for the first time ever, be able to treat myself to nice things and go back to having my nails done and my eyebrows waxed.  The thing is, even if I do, I won't let down the people that have been so kind giving me these occasional babysitting jobs when I really need it.  If they need me, I'll still be there.  But this time, the money won't be spent on car tax and supermarket shopping.  It will be spent on shoes, handbags and bottles of..........a good quality dry white wine!  My Castaway days are definitely over :)

Victoria

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Vintage Life Magazine

Having been a long term enthusiast of vintage and classic films, music and fashion, I was thrilled, during the 2011 Christmas holidays, to finally discover the little bundle of joy that is Vintage Life Magazine.  The saying 'good things come in small packages' has never been more relevant than to describe this treasure chest of all things vintage.  Each issue is packed with fashion ideas, style tips, homeware, interviews, competitions and much much more.  There is something for fans of all vintage eras from 1920's flappers to 1980's disco divas and everything in between.  Vintage companies are well promoted and there are adverts for fayres, shops, online businesses and pop up stores to suit all tastes.  As a bit of a competition freak, one of my favourite things about the magazine is the abundance of competitions.  There are always fantastic prizes to be won and I have won three so far - the best by far being two tickets to see the ultimate vintage musical in the West End, Singing in the Rain which was amazing, despite the typical British weather on the day meaning we were 'singing in the rain' outside the theatre as well as in!!

As a reader of Vintage Life, I have learned how to make delicious cupcakes, discovered how to recreate my eye make up to look like a 1960's goddess, found cheap and natural ways of cleaning my house and discovered fascinating facts about legends such as classic movie costumer designer Edith Head and on screen superstars such as Gene Kelly - these being just a few of the wonderful things I've learned my few short months as a Vintage Lifer.

Having recommended the magazine to several of my vintage loving friends, I am attempting to create a role for myself as ambassador for this fantastic gem and each month I look forward to making the trip to WH Smith (the only stockist other than selected Sainsburys) to pick up my copy.  Everyone who is interested in anything vintage should certainly treat themselves to this wonderful magazine immediately.  Get down to WH Smith pronto.  You won't regret it

Victoria

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