I don't know whether it's because the summer holidays are nearly over (along with my freedom!!) or just because of the recent anniversary but I've been having a little think about my life lately and the way I live it. As you know, I am in dire straits financially and really struggle to do anything fun in my life because of that (that and the fact that I'm a lonely old maid of course) but putting that aside (simply because other than winning the lottery there's very little I can do about these things at the moment), I decided to concentrate on things I can change. I have a new job starting in just over a week - the thought of which terrifies me. But I will feel the fear and do it anyway. To run alongside the job, I have given myself this school year to lose the weight which is making me really unhappy. I have also already begun a new fitness regime - more of that in a few weeks time. These are a few things that I am in control of.
Another thing I am in control of is the people I choose to have around me. Over the years, I have made many bad choices and stupid decisions and done things that could really hurt people. Luckily I have managed to avoid doing so but it could easily have happened and that is a big regret. However, there are quite a few people who have been in and around my life of the years who are far more guilty of that than I. And some of those people remain on the periphery of my life still. These are the people I have chosen to move on from. After some serious consideration, I have come to the conclusion that if people don't care about me, don't treat me well, are not offering me anything positive and constantly remind me of the past in a negative way then I am better off without them in my life.
I have, as previously discussed, some wonderful friends and family who do care about me and support me - however many screw ups I have made over the years. These are encouraging, supportive, generous, respectful, honest people who enrich my life and give me hope that I can indeed be the person they want me to be. They praise my achievements, commiserate with my failures, offer a shoulder during loss and sadness and appreciate things about me that even I myself don't even know are there. I am my own biggest critic and have always spent my life feeling like I'm not clever enough, thin enough, pretty enough, stylish enough, talented enough and nice enough. I still feel these things and probably always will but my friends give me the encouragement that I need to deal with these feelings. Whereas some people in my life do not. They make me feel all those negative things about myself and there is no useful purpose for that.
Life is hard enough and I am hard enough on myself. I have so many things that I worry about all the time. I worry about whether I'm good enough and all the other things I listed above. But I also worry about my finances constantly, worry whether I'm being a good parent (whilst hating the stigma against the label of single parent that I find myself carrying), worry about my mum who suffers from MS, worry about my dad who cares for her, worry about my sister in law who remains devastated at the loss of my brother, worry about the fact that my brother is no longer here and I miss him every minute of every day, worry about the future for myself and my son, worry about my health and that of my son in terms of my brother's possible genetic condition, worry about work and that I won't be able to cope with the workload, worry that I'll never meet anyone and will spend my life alone..........I worry about so many things. There are other things that have happened in the past few years that are very private that I also think about constantly and even though I can't change them, they still upset me greatly.
Because I'm a worrier, I definitely do not need the additional stress of people in my life who bring me down and don't show me the respect I deserve. I am trying to be a better person - it is my promise to my brother - and in doing that I feel like I deserve a fresh start. The past can't be changed but the future can. And I hope that by working hard and trying to achieve something I will make my family and friends proud. I am trying to care less about what people think about me in general and just concentrate on making the people I love happy and proud of me. Very recently, my best friend reminded me that, in the 12 months since my brother died, I have supported my parents, son and sister in law the best I could, passed my honours degree with a far higher mark than I expected, got on the Graduate Teacher Programme, am trying to sort out my finances and have started a new fitness plan. All of this despite feeling the loss of my brother so very deeply. She told me she was proud of me for all these things and until she said all that, I didn't even realise I'd actually done it all. And I realised at that point that I was actually quite proud of myself - even if it only lasted for that moment. The fact that she had noticed all these things and bothered to tell me she was proud meant so much and made me realise that the only people I care about pleasing are the people I love and that matter to me.
I may not be perfect (who is?) but I'm doing my best and life is too short to be around people who don't care enough about you. So I think a spring clean of my life is in order. Luckily most people I have in my life are wonderful and I thank you all. Here's to what will hopefully be a productive and positive 12 months. I owe it to everyone but especially my lovely brother to make what I can of my life and when I'm down and struggling, he sits on my shoulder and gives me the push I need to carry on. I do much of what I do now for him - to make him proud and to live life as he lived it - to the full and making the most of each and every opportunity. I owe him that. And even though I will never stop worrying - I try to worry about things just that little bit less because of him. And for that I'll always be grateful.
Victoria
<3
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