I have been a single mum since my son was born 15 years ago. I have had the occasional relationship (as previously discussed - disaster.com) since but I have always considered myself a single parent. My son has not seen his father since he was just turned 4 and thus he has always only had me. Of course, his maternal grandparents play a huge role in his life as do other family members but ultimately, at the end of the day, it's always just been me and him. Which was fine when he was little. He needed me then. But now he's 15. Ok, he still needs me for practical things like cooking his tea, doing his washing, cleaning the house and driving him to places. He needs me to remind him to have a bath or brush his teeth, get him up for school or tidy his room. He even needs me to talk to about things and he needs me for a hug now and then (moments which I cherish and feel lucky to have). But on a day to day basis, he needs me very little. He spends the majority of his time in his room, playing X Box or being on his laptop, chatting and laughing to friends through his headphones. In fact, I see little of him in the evenings, at weekends and in the holidays. Only when its time for a meal does he surface and then after he's eaten generally he's back up to the room. I don't blame him for this. He's a teenager. He does what most teenagers do and to be honest I'd rather him be like he is than hanging around on the streets doing god knows what till all hours. At least I know he's safe and happy. It's me that's the problem not him. Take today for example. The first nice sunny day we've had in Yorkshire in what seems like an age and what have I done? I've messed around on the computer, watched TV, done a huge pile of ironing, played some games on my iPhone and generally mooched around the house not having a clue what to do with myself. And now here I am. Writing about it on my blog.
The problem is two fold. The first part being that I have no spare money whatsoever to do anything fun or exciting. And the second being that I have no one to do anything with. Even something free like going for a walk or sitting in the garden. This problem is something that's been an issue for some time now. My son isn't interested in going out for the day like we used to regularly when he was younger. He doesn't want to pass time in museums or walking in the park or going for a picnic. But I do. I would love to do those things. But you can't really do them on a regular basis on your own. Ok, sometimes I go to a museum or a gallery by myself. I've been known to visit the cinema or theatre alone if there's something on I really want to see. I go shopping alone (usually not to buy anything due to the no money thing!). But after a while it becomes draining and you feel lonely and sad when you see people all around you chatting and laughing. Couples, families, friends. It's really hard. I have friends, don't get me wrong. But as I've said before, they all have partners and some have young kids and although they do their best to see me, they have their own lives and their own memories to create. My parents are great to me and take me places and do stuff with me if I want to. But at the end of the day I'm 37 years old and I should be doing things with my own family. That family that I always wanted. Me and my son and a lovely partner and maybe some more kids. That's what I've dreamed about for so long. But to this day it eludes me. I really don't know why. Ok, I have low self esteem (I'm overweight and hate everything about the way I look), I'm shy with people I don't know and have always always felt that I'm not good enough. I'm a jack of all traders, master of none. Ok at several things but not great at anything. And I've always wanted to be. Maybe this is sub consciously emitting from my pores or something straight into the make up of every man I meet. When I was younger, I was never short of attention. I was slim and confident. But as the years have gone by, things have gone seriously downhill.
I'm so conscious of the fact that I'm wasting my life. I very rarely have any fun and there's so much I want to see and do with my life. Obviously money is a huge problem. There's not much you can do without it. But the being alone thing is the biggest issue. My only sibling, my beloved brother, passed away almost a year ago aged only 33. He was the most wonderful person you could ever hope to meet. He was kind, generous, funny, laid back, happy, brave and loving. All the things I'm not. He never got uptight or stressed, he never judged anyone, he made the most of every opportunity and saw and did more in his 33 years than I could ever hope to do. Once again, everything I'm not. But would love to be. After he died, I told myself I would try and be more like him. Make the most of opportunities, do more with my life. But I haven't. Because I don't know how. And unlike him - who had a wife who loved him more than anything and supported him through the journey of life, seizing the day alongside him - I'm alone. I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I'm just stating facts. It's hard being a single parent of a teenager. It's hard having no money to do anything or go anywhere. And it's hard being alone. I know there's so many people in the world who are worse off than me and there's probably loads of people reading this thinking 'she doesn't have a clue what struggling is' but this is my life and I'm struggling in it. Lots of bad things have happened to me over the past 4 or 5 years - some of which are too personal to go into, that even my family don't know about - things that have changed my life forever and made me into the person I've become. One I don't like very much. And one that I'd like to change. Maybe one day, I'll get past some of the bad stuff and walk out a different person. But until then, if anyone fancies a walk through the park or a picnic in the sunshine, please let me know. Because it would be a shame if I have to spend any more sunny days sitting at the computer. It really would.
Vicki
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