D Day is upon me!!

Well, today is my last day of freedom......probably until I retire!!! My last summer with no work to do has come to an end and tomorrow I start my new life as a member of the Graduate Teacher Programme.  Am I looking forward to it?  Am I excited?  These are the types of questions I keep being asked.  The answer is no.  I am not looking forward to it.  I am scared stiff, feel completely unprepared and think I am way out of my depth.  I have no idea what is expected of me, what I will be doing, very little Key Stage 2 subject knowledge and the school is completely different to anywhere I've ever worked before.  In short, I am a nervous wreck!!!

I have 6 years experience of working in a school.  Some people coming onto the programme have none.  I really do not know how they must be feeling if I feel like this!  All my experience is in Foundation Stage - with little children - who I know and understand and which has a curriculum I am familiar with (although, like most things in education these days, this is being changed this September too).  Those 6 years of experience will count for nothing when, on Tuesday (tomorrow is an inset day where I have no idea what I'll be doing), I am faced with a large class of 9 and 10 year olds (albeit I have a teacher with me who will be doing most of the teaching at this stage - or at least that's what I've been led to believe!).

From now on, my workload will be huge.  At the induction day, some GTP's from this last academic year did a talk and warned us just how huge it will be.  I fully expect to have no life for the next 11 months (which will work out quite well given that the drop in salary has made any kind of social life null and void anyway).  My evenings and weekends will be taken up with planning and other such things that I can only imagine at the moment.  And then, in May, if I achieve my QTS then I will have to start looking for a job for next September.  Next September I will be an NQT (hopefully!) and I will be in the same boat all over again.  Nervous, petrified and jumping into the unknown.  Except then the entire responsibility for the class will be mine - from day one.

Phew, there is a lot to deal with from now on.  From tomorrow onwards, my holidays will not be for fun.  They will be for catching up on work and doing planning, reports and other such paperwork.  I will never be free again.  But hopefully, I will enjoy my job most of the time and will continue to feel the satisfaction and pride that I have felt for the past 6 years at seeing children flourish during their time with me.  With a bit of luck it will be worth it.  And in  a few years time, I will wonder what I was worried about on this day.  The day of reckoning.  The day before the madness starts.

Victoria
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Life is too short

I don't know whether it's because the summer holidays are nearly over (along with my freedom!!) or just because of the recent anniversary but I've been having a little think about my life lately and the way I live it.  As you know, I am in dire straits financially and really struggle to do anything fun in my life because of that (that and the fact that I'm a lonely old maid of course) but putting that aside (simply because other than winning the lottery there's very little I can do about these things at the moment), I decided to concentrate on things I can change.  I have a new job starting in just over a week - the thought of which terrifies me.  But I will feel the fear and do it anyway.  To run alongside the job, I have given myself this school year to lose the weight which is making me really unhappy.  I have also already begun a new fitness regime - more of that in a few weeks time.  These are a few things that I am in control of.

Another thing I am in control of is the people I choose to have around me.  Over the years, I have made many bad choices and stupid decisions and done things that could really hurt people.  Luckily I have managed to avoid doing so but it could easily have happened and that is a big regret.  However, there are quite a few people who have been in and around my life of the years who are far more guilty of that than I.  And some of those people remain on the periphery of my life still.  These are the people I have chosen to move on from.  After some serious consideration, I have come to the conclusion that if people don't care about me, don't treat me well, are not offering me anything positive and constantly remind me of the past in a negative way then I am better off without them in my life.

I have, as previously discussed, some wonderful friends and family who do care about me and support me - however many screw ups I have made over the years.  These are encouraging, supportive, generous, respectful, honest people who enrich my life and give me hope that I can indeed be the person they want me to be.  They praise my achievements, commiserate with my failures, offer a shoulder during loss and sadness and appreciate things about me that even I myself don't even know are there.  I am my own biggest critic and have always spent my life feeling like I'm not clever enough, thin enough, pretty enough, stylish enough, talented enough and nice enough.  I still feel these things and probably always will but my friends give me the encouragement that I need to deal with these feelings.  Whereas some people in my life do not.  They make me feel all those negative things about myself and there is no useful purpose for that.

Life is hard enough and I am hard enough on myself.  I have so many things that I worry about all the time.  I worry about whether I'm good enough and all the other things I listed above.  But I also worry about my finances constantly, worry whether I'm being a good parent (whilst hating the stigma against the label of single parent that I find myself carrying), worry about my mum who suffers from MS, worry about my dad who cares for her, worry about my sister in law who remains devastated at the loss of my brother, worry about the fact that my brother is no longer here and I miss him every minute of every day, worry about the future for myself and my son, worry about my health and that of my son in terms of my brother's possible genetic condition, worry about work and that I won't be able to cope with the workload, worry that I'll never meet anyone and will spend my life alone..........I worry about so many things.  There are other things that have happened in the past few years that are very private that I also think about constantly and even though I can't change them, they still upset me greatly.

Because I'm a worrier, I definitely do not need the additional stress of people in my life who bring me down and don't show me the respect I deserve.  I am trying to be a better person - it is my promise to my brother - and in doing that I feel like I deserve a fresh start.  The past can't be changed but the future can.  And I hope that by working hard and trying to achieve something I will make my family and friends proud.  I am trying to care less about what people think about me in general and just concentrate on making the people I love happy and proud of me.  Very recently, my best friend reminded me that, in the 12 months since my brother died, I have supported my parents, son and sister in law the best I could, passed my honours degree with a far higher mark than I expected, got on the Graduate Teacher Programme, am trying to sort out my finances and have started a new fitness plan.  All of this despite feeling the loss of my brother so very deeply.  She told me she was proud of me for all these things and until she said all that, I didn't even realise I'd actually done it all.  And I realised at that point that I was actually quite proud of myself - even if it only lasted for that moment.  The fact that she had noticed all these things and bothered to tell me she was proud meant so much and made me realise that the only people I care about pleasing are the people I love and that matter to me.

I may not be perfect (who is?) but I'm doing my best and life is too short to be around people who don't care enough about you.  So I think a spring clean of my life is in order.  Luckily most people I have in my life are wonderful and I thank you all.  Here's to what will hopefully be a productive and positive 12 months.  I owe it to everyone but especially my lovely brother to make what I can of my life and when I'm down and struggling, he sits on my shoulder and gives me the push I need to carry on.  I do much of what I do now for him - to make him proud and to live life as he lived it - to the full and making the most of each and every opportunity.  I owe him that.  And even though I will never stop worrying - I try to worry about things just that little bit less because of him.  And for that I'll always be grateful.

Victoria

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Women and Men - to groom or not to groom?

Isn't it amazing how something as simple as a haircut can change the way you feel.  For obvious reasons, I've been a bit fed up for the past few days but a visit to my friend, Kelly, for my six weekly haircut and colour has really brightened my mood today.  The picture above shows the end result and you can see from the smile on my face that I'm pleased with it.  Kelly helps of course.  She is not only a great hairdresser but a wonderful person who is kind, thoughtful and so easy to talk to.  So passing the morning away chatting to her whilst she did my hair was just what I needed.

I always think that women are lucky.  We can lighten our mood by getting our hair or nails done, having a facial or a massage or just soaking in a lovely warm bubble bath.  It doesn't seem that straightforward for men. Although there is a much larger market now for male grooming, it is still somewhat of a taboo subject amongst many guys and certainly not something most of them would do to relax and wind down or to cheer themselves up.  Personally, if I could afford it, I would spend many happy hours in the salon getting treatments as I love the way it makes me feel, both during and afterwards.

Saying that, I do think being a man must be so much easier.  For a start, they don't have to spend lots of money on make up and beauty products.  They don't have to waste precious time each morning doing their hair and putting on their 'face'.  And they certainly don't have to worry about shaving their legs!!!  Bliss!!!  But all that aside, I'm still happy to be a girl.  I love experimenting with a new hair colour, a new shade of lip gloss or even a new beauty treatment.  I enjoy the trappings that come with femininity.  And I definitely enjoy sitting in my friend's lovely home, watching her beautiful children and her crazy dog whilst she cuts my hair like I did this morning.  Thanks Kelly.  I'll see you in six weeks for another dose of smiles and kindness.  I'll be looking forward to it.

Victoria

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London 2012 - Thank you and Goodnight

Well, that's it.  The final day of London 2012.  The closing ceremony is due to take place shortly and I couldn't be sadder.  Everyone knows how much I and the majority of the nation have got behind the Games, supporting, laughing with, crying with and cheering on Team GB every step of the way in so many events from the usual athletics and swimming to events in their infancy such as BMX and female boxing.  Every single athlete giving of their best and relishing in this - the culmination of years of effort, sacrifice, blood, sweat and tears.  Whether they have won a medal or not, whether they are from Great Britain or Mongolia, we should salute every single one of them for the excitement and pleasure they have given us over the past two weeks.  Great Britain has, for once, been united and so has the rest of the world, proving that, if we really make the effort, we can work together to achieve something really special.

The London 2012 Games could not have come at a better time for me.  From 3rd to 15th August last year, myself and my family went through something that no family ever should have to go through.  I cannot share the details of those dark days with you but I will say that that period, culminating in the death of my beloved and only brother on 15th August, were the worst days of my life.  The days that followed continued to be devastating and, indeed, the entire year has been so very difficult for all of us.  It remains so to this day.  We have tried, however, to keep my brother's memory alive in the best way we can and try and live our lives in the best way possible and in a way which honours him and that he would be proud of.  For me personally, this has included making the extra effort to complete my honours degree, to gain a place on the Graduate Teacher Programme, to look after and unconditionally support my parents and my sister in law and to try to be the best mother I can be to my son.

But, inevitably, on 3rd August and on each day since, it has been difficult not to think about last summer and the events that took place.  This is where London 2012 has been my saviour.  I never expected to find comfort in a sporting event.  As I've said before, I'm not sporty (although I wish I was) and I don't follow any sports really other than gymnastics and ice skating and, at previous Olympics, I have shown only minimal interest.  But this time, because of the added excitement of the Games taking place in my own country and because it was the first summer I had been on holiday long enough to watch it, I decided I would take an interest and watch the opening ceremony.  I sat there that night on 27th July and watched in wonder as marvellous scenes unfolded in front of my on my TV screen.  After that I decided that I would watch a few events and after that I was hooked.  I have watched most of the coverage on BBC1 (who, may I say, have completely redeemed themselves after their under-par coverage of the Diamond Jubilee) and many events on the red button service.  I have shouted at the screen for our athletes to run, swim or cycle faster, cried along with the medallists as they looked up at their flags with such pride and learned so much about sports I'd never even seen before.  And thank god I did.  Because of the passion I've felt for watching the Games and supporting our team, the pain of last year's memories has been made more manageable.  It hasn't gone away or been diminished in any way but seeing people achieve their dreams, not by marrying a footballer or going on Big Brother, but by working hard, showing strength of character and being disciplined and single minded, has made me remember that there is some good in the world and that people can come through adversity and difficult times to achieve wonderful things.  My brother would have absolutely loved these Games and I feel like he would have wanted me to love it just as much.  And I have.  I really have.  And it has helped me more than I can ever say.  It has been a positive distraction just when I needed one the most.  And I know my parents have felt the same way.  We are all sad to see it end and we know that we have difficult times still to come particularly in the week ahead.  However, London 2012 has brought some joy and light into our lives during a difficult time and we will be forever in its debt.

For me personally my highlights of the Games include the fact that women were included in the team of every country for the very first time, the inclusion of women's boxing with a good Yorkshire lass winning the first ever gold medal in the sport, Andy Murray gaining redemption for his Wimbledon defeat at the hands of Federer, Team GB smashing its Beijing medal haul, seeing the first paralympic athlete compete in the regular Games, watching Mo Farah, Jessica Ennis and the legend that is Usain Bolt provide us with such thrilling victories in the stadium and many many more. I will forever be sad that I couldn't be there in person to celebrate the thrill of the Games in person but I have witnessed these and many other great moments in the past two weeks from the comfort of my sofa.

So to sum up, I want to say thank you to everyone involved in this amazing spectacle - from the athletes, the volunteers, the commentators, the pundits and the public who have got behind the whole thing and showed why we are called Great Britain.  Thank you for providing the most wonderful of distractions and for making me proud to be British.

London 2012 - thank you and goodnight

Vicki

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Friends and family - the single parent's saviours

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a loving family around them which is so important, particularly if you're a single parent.  Thankfully I'm not one of them.  My parents have been supportive and loving throughout my journey as a single parent which has been a long and, at times, difficult one.  They've assisted me financially, helped with practical things like DIY and gardening and always had an open door where we can go for a home cooked meal or a hot shower (mine hasn't worked for about 2 years and I can't afford to get it fixed so it's a bath or a trip to the parents' house for me).  I'm sure my parents weren't thrilled when I got pregnant at 21 and certainly when I ended up going it alone but they've been there for me and my son and they adore him.  He is their only grandchild and they have always been amazing with him and continue to be to this day.

The rest of my family are great too.  Sadly, all my grandparents have passed away but my grandma (who passed away in 2010) was fantastic to me and my son and did as much as she could for us.  The rest of them unfortunately never knew him but I know they would have been equally supportive.  As I've previously explained, my only sibling - my beloved brother - unexpectedly passed away almost a year ago.  He and his wife, although they lived in London, were extremely close to both myself and my son and offered us both friendship, laughter, joy and unconditional love.  We continue to remain close to my sister in law and she and I have often taken comfort and strength from each other over the last year.  My brother, together with my father, were my son's male role models throughout his life following the departure of his own father from his life when he was 4 years old.  My son misses his uncle greatly and feels the loss of that young male figure intently even though my father continues to remain a constant presence in his life.

I also have wonderful aunts and cousins, who together with their families, offer love, advice and kindness whenever it is needed.  Because of all these lovely people in my life, I consider myself a very lucky girl.  But sometimes things happen in your life that you just can't talk about to your family.

That's when you need your friends.  It doesn't matter whether you've got one friend or one hundred as long as you know you've got someone that you can call up and moan to, who you can share your deepest darkest secrets with without fear of judgement and whose sofa you could crash on if you were in a tricky situation.  I am lucky enough to have lots of friends but there are probably around five who I could do all those things with.  My best friend, in particular, is simply irreplaceable in my life.  She listens, offers advice, knows everything about me, calls me an idiot when I need it, treats me when I'm skint (which, as you know, is all the time), supports me through difficult times (she was amazing during the worst two weeks of my life last year even though she was away on holiday and she continues to be to this day) and is just generally fabulous.  I feel privileged to know her and my other friends and know that, as a single parent in particular, I couldn't survive without them.  They've always appreciated the fact that my son is around, the fact that, when he was younger, I couldn't just drop everything and go out, the fact that I never had much money and just generally the fact that I was a mother when most of them weren't.  

There are things that you can't talk about to your parents and family whether you're a single parent or not.  There are things they wouldn't understand, wouldn't appreciate, wouldn't like or sometimes wouldn't believe!! These are the times when a friend, particularly ones of a similar age to you, rises to the occasion.  It's because of the way my friends have been with me that I really try to be as good a friend as I can to them.  Ok, I can't buy them lots of things and go out with them as much as I'd like to but I can be there for them, listen, give them advice if they ask for it, give them a hug and a kind word when they need it and support them as much as they support me.

I may not have any money and a serious lack of social life, I may be overweight, unfit and unhappy with my appearance, I may be eternally single and hate it (even though all my friends are in relationships or married).  I may be all those things but at least I'm lucky enough to have my health, a roof over my head, a wonderful son, a loving family and amazing, fantastic friends.  And I would like to say thank you to them all - whether they be the ones I see regularly and can count on for anything - or the ones I only see occasionally but who it feels like we saw each other last week, or the ones that I haven't seen for ages but chat to on Facebook or Twitter, offering comments and kind words on statuses or tweets.  Thank you all for being in my life.  I'm grateful to know you all.

Vicki

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New job, new me

As a kid I was always skinny.  In fact people used to ask my mum if I was ill because I always looked so thin and pale.  I'm still pale but unfortunately I'm no longer thin.  When I got pregnant at the age of 21, my thin days were behind me after putting four stones on during the nine months.  Over the years that followed, my weight fluctuated in a ridiculous fashion, at my heaviest weighing in at 13 stone 8.  Enough was enough and I joined Slimming World with my mum and over almost two years I lost over four stone, ending up at 9 stone 3.  I felt fantastic, despite everyone telling me I was too thin for my height (this wasn't true actually - I was at the bottom end of my acceptable weight for my height of 5' 8" but not under it).  Unfortunately however fantastic I felt, that weight was so difficult to maintain and gradually the pounds crept back on.  These days I'm not at my heaviest but I'm far above the weight I want to be and would love to lose two and a half stone.  In fact I wouldn't just love to.  I need to.  I feel horrible.  I'm tired and sluggish and hate the way I look.  I can't buy the clothes I like and I'm self conscious and miserable with my appearance.

Unfortunately, I can't rejoin Slimming World even though I know this works for me if I stick to it.  As I've said before I'm taking a dramatic cut in income in September when I begin my GTP and I'm already in financial dire straits!!  So paying for SW every week is not an option.  So I have two choices.  I either try and do the Slimming World diet by myself or try something new.  Today I watched the first episode of the Hairy Bikers new series in which they are trying to lose weight for health reasons and are cooking the food they like in a new way.  Feeling inspired by these guys who love food as much as I do, I have today ordered the recipe book and we will see what it brings when it arrives.  Also I'm planning on starting a new exercise regime to go with it so with a bit of luck, if I stick to it and try and display some of the willpower which has been missing for so long, maybe I'll get to my goal weight.

I have a new start in September with my new career and hopefully there'll be a new figure to go with it. I have a few more weeks of my summer holidays to enjoy and to eat and drink as I want.  And then that's it.  Done.  If the London 2012 games have taught me anything, it's that you can do things if you put your mind to it and if I can stay away from the garlic bread, wine and chocolate then who knows? Perhaps this time next year, I'll be a teacher who looks and feels fantastic.

Victoria

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Proud to be British

Almost this time last year, Britain was in chaos.  The riots that horrified the nation and threatened to turn us into the scourge of Europe were about to take place.  Young disillusioned kids who wanted things they couldn't have decided to take matters into their own hands and show the authorities exactly what they thought about this country.  It was a terrifying time and a time when I, for one, was ashamed to be British.

A year later and how the tables have turned.  With all the negativity surrounding the build up to the Olympic Games with so many people criticising and accusing the country of spending too much money and making a mess of the whole thing, it would have been easy to believe that we were going to be the laughing stock of the world.  But against all odds, we've done it.  We pulled it off.  An incredibly innovative and moving opening ceremony followed by a stream of inspiring and unbelievable performances by Team GB.

These athletes represent all that is good about our nation.  They display discipline, focus, a ridiculously strong work ethic, sportsmanship and determination.  Everything that last year's rioters were lacking.  If our young people are looking for a role model, someone to aspire to be like then they could do worse than someone like Jessica Ennis, Rebecca Adlington, Mo Farah or any of Team GB because win or lose they have shown what it means to be British.  There are so many 'celebrities' out there who are famous simply for being famous, for taking part in Big Brother or sleeping with a footballer and unfortunately many of our younger generation think that as long as you're famous it doesn't matter how you get there.  The Team GB athletes have shown that fame isn't what you need to be a role model.  You need to have that drive to be the best you can be.  It doesn't matter if you are the best in the world as long as you are the best version of you that you can be.

If there was ever a time to be proud to be British, this is it.  We may have financial problems, we may have high unemployment and lots of things seem to go wrong around here.  But right here, right now, there isn't anywhere that most of us would rather be.  Just in the time I've been sitting at my computer tonight, Team GB have won three track and field gold medals.  Three.  In one night.  We are third in the medal table.  A tiny nation like ours up there with giants of the world like the USA and China.  And that is because our tiny nation has spirit.  And grit.  And the will to achieve something great.

Think back to this time last year once again.  People attempting to achieve change with violence and destruction.  And now we have people attempting to achieve change in a different way.  A positive way.  Proving that if you want something badly enough, you need to work as hard as you possibly can in order to get it.  And one day it may just happen.  Whether it's an Olympic medal or a good job or an iPad or in my case an Honours Degree, if you put your mind to it and believe then you never know.

Thank you Team GB for making us proud to be British and keep those medals coming in.

Victoria

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